


Walter and the Beanstalk

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Domestic Discipline, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-03-01
Updated: 2005-03-01
Packaged: 2019-02-05 14:31:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: There was a poor but honest studly AD





	Walter and the Beanstalk

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

Title: Walter and the Beanstalk

 

Author/Pseudonym: Ursula

 

Fandom: X-Files

 

Pairing: Walter Skinner/Everyone

 

Rating: Adult Slash Humor

 

Status: Revised

 

Date Posted: 03-01-05

 

Archive: FHSA 

 

 

E-mail address for feedback: Fan4Richie or Ursula4X@aol.com

 

 

Classification: Slash Discipline Humor

 

Series/Sequel: Is this story part of a series: 

 

Ursula's Fairy Tale

 

Web Site: 

 

Disclaimers: No profit, fan fiction for fun

 

 

Notes: I don't own the X-Files, but if I keep warping them this way, they might give me it.

 

Warnings: Slash

 

 

Time Frame: A long time ago yesterday

 

 

 

 

 

 

Walter and the Beanstalk

 

There once was a very serious AD who lived in a humble apartment in Crystal City. He was not only hard working, but was very handsome and bright.

 

Unfortunately our hero, Walter, lived with his wicked stepfather and nefarious boss, Kersh. It was a difficult life as Kersh was never satisfied and was always demanding that Walter complete impossible tasks.

 

One evening as Walter completed a stack of paperwork that even the most insane stunt driver would not have been able to jump, Kersh said, "AD Skinner, take this cow, left over from one of Mulder's cattle mutilation cases, to the market. Whatever you get for the cow will be your departmental budget for the quarter."

 

Weeping bitterly, Walter drove the cow to market. His little Doggett faithfully nipped at the beast's heels, but it was a difficult task and took most of the evening.

 

When the two brave FBI agents arrived at the market, they were very dismayed to find that the cow would not pass the USDA standards and they were told to take it home.

 

Soon Walter sat on the corner, weeping bitterly. He took no comfort from Doggett's attempt to cheer him up. He knew that soon he would not even have a bone to give his faithful Doggett.

 

As Walter sobbed, along came a raggle taggle gypsy peddler. Of course, once Walter looked hard, he realized it was just CSM Spender again in disguise. 

 

Spender looked the cow over and said, "AD Skinner, I will trade you these magic beans for the cattle, which is evidence of alien activity I should conceal."

 

Standing up, Walter shook Spender until his false teeth clattered to the curb, bounced back up, and bit the man in the ass.

 

"I am sore wroth," Spender said, "But take the deal."

 

Now Walter was tired of driving the cow. He much preferred a Taurus to the real thing. He took the beans and shrugged.

 

There after, Walter went wee wee wee all the way home because Doggett was into golden showers.

 

OooOooO

 

When Kersh saw the beans, he laughed until he nearly cried. He said, "Well, at least, your division won't go hungry."

 

Being cheerful and diligent, Walter took the beans out to his balcony and planted them in a pot that he had left over from his Vietnam days. He sighed as he looked around him, thinking of the days when he had beautiful Russian agents chained out on his balcony.

 

Now the next day was a Saturday and even though Walter usually worked anyway, he just didn't feel like getting out of bed. He stumbled into the kitchen and poured a bowl of oatmeal with a shot of scotch to wash it down. Now, that's the breakfast of tough guys!

 

Somewhat later, Walter decided to water his beans and walked out on the balcony. To his great surprise, the beans had grown to great height over night. He was excited and pleased to look up and see the plant that seemed to stretch all the way to the sky.

 

Considering the height of the beanstalk, Walter had the strong urge to climb to the top. Why who knew what he might find there?

 

OooOooO

 

Putting on his skimpiest cutoffs, shirtless, a rag made of one of Mulder's Speedo swimming suits tied around his head, Walter set forth to climb the magic stalk.

 

The surly one climbed and climbed for a day and night until he was nearly dead from fatigue and hunger. At last he arrived at a wondrous UFO at the very top of the stalk.

 

Walter stepped aboard and immediately saw a lovely little fairy. He squinted his eyes and finally realized it was dear Kim, his secretary. "How did you get here?" he asked.

 

"I'm temping," Kim said. "You know how it is between jobs. But I would much rather work for you, dear Mr. Skinner."

 

"And perhaps you shall," Walter said. "What is this place?"

 

"Why it is the home of the Giants," Kim said.

 

Walter bit his tongue. Poor Kim! She apparently thought she was in New York.

 

"Oh, sir, you must hide! The Giant is coming home," Kim said.

 

"Fe Fi fo fum," a booming voice said. "I smell the blood of an FBI man."

 

"Oh, no, Giant," Kim bravely said, as Walter exercised the better part of valor. "That's just me. I accidentally used my ex-boyfriend's G-man shaving lotion for perfume. That's all that you smell!"

 

Walter couldn't believe the size of this alien. Why this monster could have made crop circles just by sitting in a field!

 

"Well, get me my pipe, woman," the giant alien roared.

 

As he sat by the fire, the giant reached up and took the cover off a cage that swung from the ceiling.

 

To his shock, Walter saw that the Giant had something much better than a golden goose in the cage. He pulled out Fox Mulder, naked as the day he was born. Dangling the man in midair, the giant poked and prodded him with a dirty finger. Then, the giant said, "Now, by the hair on my chinny chin chin, pick the nag that will win!"

 

Sulkily, Mulder shook his head, but the giant didn't accept that as an answer. He put Mulder over his smelly old knee and spanked our poor hero until he wailed and gave into his demands. Sniffing, Mulder pointed out the winners in all the races. 

 

Promptly, the giant roared, "Ratnik, Ratnik, fetch me my phone so I can call my worthless clone."

 

A bedraggled looking Alex Krycek extricated himself from a pile of rags. He ran like a frightened mouse straight into Walter who was hiding under the couch. His pink lips opened and his white teeth gleamed. Before he could squeal and betray Walter, Walter shut the pretty mouth with a kiss. He kissed the breath right out of the lovely creature. The green-eyed rat took a shuddering breath, blushed, and then winked. He grabbed a mobile phone that was nearly as big as his body and dragged it to his smelly captor.

 

The Giant called his bookie and cackled with glee as he carefully placed his bets. "I'm rich, I'm rich," he said, giving Mulder a little kiss. His huge tongue flicked out and he nearly had Mulder as a tasty snack.

 

Alex quickly called out, "Giant, dear Giant, you don't want to kill the goose that lays the golden eggs."

 

"But he looks so delicious," the giant said.

 

"Think of all the wonderful meals you can buy with the money you win!" said Alex.

 

Grumbling the Giant said, "But I might after all get a yen for Russian food."

 

"But you know it gives you heartburn, dear Giant," Alex said quickly.

 

A gassy rumble fumigating the room, the giant pounded on his chest and burped. He said, "Sadly, true. All right, tasty but dangerous Russian Ratnik, fetch me my slippers and my Maalox."

 

Sweating and cursing, Alex dragged the Giant's possessions to the lazy creature. As the Giant was in the mood for reading, he spanked Mulder again and Alex for good measure until he could read the comics by the light of their glowing buns. The sobbing of the abused men seemed to be a soothing melody for the Giant. 

 

After making sure that Mulder was locked in his cage, the Giant kicked back on his recliner and fell asleep. His feet rested on poor Alex's body, making sure that his slave could not get away.

 

As soon as the ship-shaking snores assured Walter that he was safe. Kim, of course, had clocked out for the day, but she had taken good notes. The Giant's calendar was neatly organized so Walter knew exactly what to expect. He had eight hours to escape with Mulder and Alex.

 

First Walter crept over and gradually substituted a hot pack for Alex. He could see that he would need help in rescuing Mulder.

 

Climbing up the Giant's chair, Walter pulled Alex up behind him. When they arrived at the top, Alex stood on Walter's shoulders and picked the lock on Mulder's cage. As quietly as they could, the three men crept from the UFO and almost succeeded in leaving without waking the Giant.

 

Our heroes would have made good on the escape except that the Giant's pesky cell phone rang. Grumbling the Giant picked up the phone, as his captives froze, hidden in the shadows of a pair of huge BVDs.

 

The Giant rumbled, "Fe Fi Fo Fum, I do not want to discuss a new long distance plan! Shut up!" The Giant had barely put down the phone when it rang again. "No, I don't want to buy aluminum siding for my home. I live in a fumming UFO, you great ninny!"

 

Yawning, the Giant stood up. His huge red-rimmed eyes caught sight of the empty cage where he had kept Mulder. A roar of rage made the walls of the UFO shake. He sniffed and said, "I smell an FBI man! Come here, snack!"

 

Sniffing about and drooling a little, the Giant seemed to be on the trail of the three men. He peered about, muttering," I really need to look into bifocals!"

 

The foul odor of the Giant's BVDs protected the three men, but they knew it would not last forever. Unfortunately, Mulder gagged from the fumes and the Giant's ears perked up. His thundering footsteps moved toward the men.

 

"Run!" yelled Walter, shoving Mulder and Alex toward the beanstalk.

 

There was a needle on the floor, which was the size of a sword to Walter. He grabbed the weapon and as the Giant came near, he stabbed him as hard as he could, embedding the needle in the creature's bare foot.

 

"Ow, ow, ow!" the Giant exclaimed, hopping about. He said, "When I get you, my pretty, I'm going to boil you alive like a lobster!"

 

Walter hadn't waited around to be caught. He couldn't free the needle from the Giant's foul foot so he could do nothing more. He joined Alex and Mulder and they all scrambled down the beanstalk with the Giant in pursuit.

 

"We aren't going to make it," Alex gasped. It was very hard to climb with only one arm.

 

"We will," Walter said. "Shut up and keep climbing."

 

The giant's weight made the beanstalk sway. He was surprising fast. Mulder started to slip, as he was weak from his long confinement to the Giant's birdcage. Walter hurried to catch him and help him climb. It was several minutes until they both realized that Alex was nowhere to be found.

 

"He must have fallen," Walter said.

 

"We should go back and look," Mulder replied, looking back the way they had came.

 

"No, we can't," Walter said. He couldn't understand his grief as Alex and he had been at odds. Still it has impressed him that Alex had not betrayed him and had tried to help.

 

Little did the two men know that Alex had decided he was holding them back and had hidden in a bean pod with a plan in mind. The Ratnik had grabbed some packets of pepper and cayenne from the Giant's kitchen. Now he waited until the Giant had passed by him, his huge hand a mere inch from crushing the large bean pod.

 

As soon as the Giant had passed him, Alex whistled sharply to make him look up. Instantly, Alex threw the pepper and cayenne in his eyes. Yelling in pain, the giant almost lost his grip on the vine. His flailing hand knocked Alex in his pod from the vine. Poor Ratnik...

 

Meanwhile, Walter and Mulder had taken advantage of the delay to reach the end of the beanstalk. Walter was surprised to find Doggett waiting for him, but didn't hesitate for a second.

 

"Make yourself a sharp ax," Walter said. "I'll chop down the beanstalk and kill the Giant."

 

Doggett shimmered silver, a talent left over from his old job as a robot enforcer. He formed the shape of a large and very strong ax.

 

Walter squared his shoulders, rippling muscles that gleamed with sweat. Mulder might have fainted from the lust inspired by this sight, but he remembered that Alex might be still on the stalk. 

 

"You can't do that, Walter," Mulder said, "What if Alex is still alive on the stalk?"

 

"If anyone would understand, it would be the Ratnik," Walter said.

 

Mulder's couldn't stand to look as Walter's blows shook the beanstalk. The Giant had recovered from the blindness and as Walter struggled to cut through the stalk, his stinking feet came near enough to smell.

 

There were still several feet to cut. Walter grunted with effort as he tried to sever the remaining strands of woody vine.

 

The Giant could see what had happened and tried to kick Walter away. Losing his balance, the Giant screamed and flailed. He fell from the stalk and plunked down to the road below. 

 

"We're saved," Walter said, hugging Doggett, who had resumed his human shape.

 

'Saved," said Mulder, blinking back tears as he gazed into the sky. "Poor Alex..."

 

Just then a pea pod came drifting from the sky. The leaves had formed a parachute and the tendrils wrapped around Alex's chest keeping him snug and safe. He landed no worse for his misadventure.

 

The street below had been emptied for road maintenance. The only car below was Alvin Kersh's. Alas, the dead giant crushed him. Oh goody!

 

Walter surveyed his little group, please to see that Kim had taken note of the odd happenings. He said, "We can capture the bean market with beans grown from this stalk. We should all get married and live happily ever after."

 

Really, Walter wanted his own little harem, but he didn't want to frighten anyone off. The four men and the woman looked at each other and liked what they saw. "We do," they all said.

 

OooOooO

 

The only mar to the happiness was that the next day when Mulder was looking in the newspaper for house listings, he saw that the Giant's death had been covered up. The powers that be had moved his body to the ocean and told everyone that he was a whale.

 

"I'm going to expose this," Mulder muttered.

 

"Let it go," Walter said.

 

"I won't," said Mulder, "and you can't make me."

 

"I can't?" Walter said. "Then I'll spank you."

 

Walter was joking, but Mulder bared his ass without a blink. Mulder said, "The spanking were all that I liked about that Giant."

 

Warming Mulder's lovely buns was ever so much fun, but when Mulder's wails alerted the other brides of the harem. They all lined up holding chosen implements.

 

Oh, my, would Walter be able to spank Doggett, Alex, and Kim just as hard as he spanked Mulder, whose bare buns glowed like the sunset into which our heroes ride?

 

Well, what do you think?

 

The end


End file.
